My therapy. My art.

Leap

Screaming in a sound proof booth
My voice ringing loudly, yet mute
No one hears me; my cries trapped in a cage
Bellowing from my soul; trying to release this rage
But as a tree falling in the forest that no one hears
I’m shouting at the top of my lungs but crying silent tears
Not one can hear, not one can see
Because this encasing still resembles me
But it muffles the quiet longings of my spirit
Drowns out my thunderous cry and no one hears it
I desperately want relief; to unleash this suffocating sorrow
But the haze has me blinded; I can’t see tomorrow
I’m stuck in this moment of paralyzing nothingness
Hoping that someone will save me from this mess
I pray God where are you? Why can’t I feel you?
No response. Dead silence. What am I to do?
I know I should be still and wait for His word
But in my kicking and screaming; I just want to be heard
Like a child seeking his parent's attention
I just really need my daddy to listen
To give me an answer, Lord show me a sign
Tell me what to do; please ease my troubled mind
I surrender my all in my lamentation
I beg for release; plead for liberation
These walls closing in but I’m planning my escape
I’m no longer afraid; I know what it’s going to take
So I leap…

03/07/09

Dwelling in shadows use to frighten me
Couldn't fathom my life without the light
Somehow the shadows became my comfort
And alone, I would walk the night
Afraid of me and what I was to become
Terrified of my thoughts and desires
Paranoid that everyone could see me
Buried Zsaquez, and instead played the liar
Wanting to conform and play it safe
But in that safety lie the actual danger
In jeopardy of losing the authentic me
Becoming resentful and full of anger
Blanketed by sheets of darkness
That somehow gave me solace
Enabled me to wake up and pretend
That I was living but dying non the less
From time to time I’d see glimmers of light
But fear would cripple and paralyze me
Leaving me still alone in the darkness
Never becoming who I was meant to be
Only an illusion, a mirage, someone else’s creation
Though intelligent and pleasing to the eye
Internally flawed and emotionally broken
With not a soul around to hear the desperate cry
After decades of life void of the light
Illumination finally found its residence
Freeing my soul to live and to love
To simply be who I am without pretense
Love it or hate it, accept or reject
I make no apologies so if you choose the latter
I have chosen to ride the luminous rays
To escape the darkness and lies that have shattered
Who I was, who I am and who I will soon become
Liberated, the veil has finally lifted
So though you may choose not to journey along
I walk, actually I run and I dance free and unrestricted

Distorted Voices

It’s been such a hard journey seeking His face, His will and His plan with all of life’s distractions. An empty bank account, broken relationship, fruitless job search, piles of unpaid bills, friends and family’s needs and a raging internal battle between what is right and what feels right have prevented me from fulfilling that mission.
With countless distractions, it has become so difficult to connect to my creator the way my heart desires. I try to listen for His voice, but there are so many other voices in my head drowning out the only voice that truly matters. I hear my children plead for things I cannot provide at this time, I hear my partner imploring for more attention and affection and I hear my flesh yearn for its desires to be fulfilled while everyone around me is also seeking time, attention and advice. In the midst of life’s chaos, God is speaking to me.
God is speaking. I try to find the calm within me, quiet the distractions that distort His voice, but they are overwhelming me and crippling my connection. I try to find time for just He and me, but I am never alone, and in the rare moments that I am, I am so exhausted and sleep overtakes me. I am yearning within to reconnect, but there just seems to be so much commotion all around me all of the time.
So I recommit to Him, pledging my time, my thoughts and my heart to Him. I reclaim my life from the pitfalls that have consumed my being so that I can see the face of my father more clearly and realign my life with His will and my heart with the beat of His. I know that it is the only way for my joy and my smile to be authentic and pure. I know it is the only way that I will truly walk in my purpose and fulfill my destiny, so today I recommit to reconnect…watch what happens…